Breathe

It’s hard to say when I stopped breathing, but since Sarah’s diagnosis in January I have had these strange moments where I suddenly realize I have not been breathing at all and I begin gasping for breath actually gasping for air hyperventilating trying to even out my breathing and beginning again. I had always heard breathing was an involuntarily action and here I was telling myself to breath, forgetting and scaring myself and having to start again. It started some time after we heard the words, “I am going to cut to the chase, I don’t like what I see.” I cried only in short moments alone or with Patrick. I stayed analytical and scientific and research based aiming to make sure Sarah was and is receiving the best care, reading scientific journals to stay on top of the newest information. Today that changed, on the MRI Sarah’s tumor appears notably smaller just a shadow of its February self. The Mekinist is working phenomenally well! I sat in the room listening smiling at Sarah and noting how easy it was to breath. This is not a metaphor but fact, automatic breathing came back. Her doctor literally did a happy dance and then I dared to ask the question, “with results like that is it possible it could go away all together.” His answer, “yes I think so!” We thanked him, covered future appointment dates and he left. We stepped into the hall I stopped, hugged Sarah and began to cry. I cried the pain of the last couple of months, the relief of today and the hope for tomorrow. I cried for my sister and for the roller coaster, for the shear relief of the moment. We have an appointment in Baltimore coming up and another MRI in June, the chemo treatment will march on for at least a year and we are now two months in. Tonight I am so thankful, thankful for a reprieve and for hope, thankful to have my sister!

Side notes and funny stories. I am supposed to be Sarah’s medical advocate and safe driver. On the way there I almost ran a red turn arrow through a major intersection and the only thing that stopped me was Sarah’s screaming. I drove so fast over a speed bump the car caught a bit of air and we laughed more than we had in months and trying to leave we got lost In the hospital tried using a stairwell for exercise and had to knock on the door for someone to let us out as we were locked in. An eventful and funny day I am thrilled to have had.